Yes or NO?

I am so confused... puzzle... I don't know how to justify, whether or not I should go to US to present my paper about part of my PhD work?.. It is not as simple as one can make decision... I already get the permission from MOHE.. well, budget wise, not so convincing. Moreover, the fact that I need to use my money first, and later claim from them, really deter me from going. Arrghh...!! especially when I faced with financial problems lately...I am so confused. On one hand, it's an opportunity to present my work to the expert, on another hand, where can I get the initial financing? The flight tickets for me and hubby already cost me around RM12K, adding to hotel charges... miscelleneous charges... where to get money? Furthermore, they only allow us, the student to present paper overseas ONCE during the course of study. mmmmm is it YES or NO? the work that I am going to present is sort of the initial work, not yet with the main work of my project .... arghhh can someone help me make decision? Besides, I need to leave my kids behind, plus it's Hari Raya.... please.. the timing is just not right....

Motivation

Today I feel so motivated. Dunno the reason why? Of course it's good to feel motivated especially in my current state of mind.. I need all the force to motivate me. Well frankly, I have not started writing the thesis formally, everything is being lumped in a specific document. But not in an orderly manner. But then, today, when I drop by my friend's room, as I normally do especially before I went for the toilet.. Well she is in the process of writing her thesis, bit by bit... the thing is, I like the feeling of completing the thesis. Imagining that I have produced a complete thesis... the feeling is so wonderful. I think this is my force. I really want to see the hard cover copy of a thesis entitle. bla bla bla... by Siti Shawalliah Idris... submitted in partial fulfillment for the degree of bla bla bla.... mmmmm it feels so relief to imagine that... well back to reality, before I can feel that, I really need to plan, so as I am not planing to fail. Tonight, I went up to my study room early, and started my writing. For a start, I already completed my ACKNOWLEDGMENT. ..OK tak? heh heh heh.

Voley Ball oh Volley Ball

Just recently, I had a chat with my good friend... and she reminded me about joining the team of volley ball for the university.. mm I said, I haven't got a chance to find the team plus been busy lately plus I think that's not one of my priorities at this moment. But then, today there's an email in my mail box, from the university volleyball trainer looking for potential players.. ahaks.. I think this is like what we say in Malay ..'Pucuk di cinta ulam mendatang' so.. I replied the mail, told them that I am interested to join the team.. this is just..join the team. It's been like almost 10 years since I last played volley ball. I didn't expect I'll be part of the main players, but at least I continue with my favourite game..... so, we gonna meet up this friday to discuss on the propose start day for intensive training.. ahaks. I guess they really want UiTM to win the intervarsities competition.. :) I still remembered when I told my husband that I would like to join this team... He kind of 'tak percaya'.. And reminded me to take care of my self first..hehehehe.. I guess he really didn't believe that I was a volleyball player before... well what to do, just look at how 'big' I am now.. I didn't think I can do all the spiking etc.. eheh me neither. what ever it is, I just want to join to at least have a scheduled outdoor activities, some committments etc. So, volleyball here I come....again..

Makan makan

Ha ha... this is the best part that I'd like to talk about.. makan makan....

Well, just recently, I am in the mood to carry on with my hobbies, that I have not been able to do it perhaps because been busy with my studies.. etc. I just want to share some of the photos of my cooking.. hehehe...
This is my first try ....roasted chicken. Try to fully utilise my oven...



Mmm ..to get it wrong..it's not from Nandos... ...


ha.. this is also another one of my favourite.. again..the first try... before cook. Very easy to cook... it is an appertizer.... Roll asparagus...Roll Asparagus after pan fried.... yummy.. but according to my hubby, he like it most if it is with fish instead of beef... wanna try some??...

Money vs. Relatives

If you ever have a choice, to save money and to maintain good relationship with your aunties and uncles, which one would you choose? "pening' huh? I dunno what to say....

What and how would you react, when you received a phone call from a lawyer office, saying that you are required to attend a court session for the mistakes of others.? Especially when it involve, money, family/relatives and the future of your career...? Of course, you gonna get angry isn't it? I cried. Yes.. I did. Because I think I've been cheated by my uncle...Earlier, I agreed to help him, for the fact that, he had helped me a lot when I was a child.... To me, it's the time to pay him back... for whatever support he had given me before. But then, I didn't expect this to happen. I allowed him to use my name to get a car, with a condition that he will pay for what ever he use, and that he has to settle the sum amount of loan he had made for the car.... Unfortunately, he didn't do as what he agreed.. and I had to bare the consequent. My name has been blacklisted in the Bank Negara, will be issued summon for 'tindakan tatatertib' as per 'Perintah Am' ..what ever the lawyer had mentioned to me over the phone.. and if I do not what such things happen to me, I need to provide full settlement for the loan... "@^$%*"!! I had mixed feelings, sad, angry, feel stupid... and etc. Like it or not, I need to pay and initial payment to prevent court action. Then, I may request for staggered payment only until full payment has been made, can I request for the de-list from Bank Negara. Is it fair? I don't mind to help, if the person that I help really in need. The thing is, I don't think I should help this kind of person.... Really show off, Eating out in restaurant, hotel.. etc, drive a Toyota Harrier and Perdana... do you think this kind of people worth to be helped? I don't think so.. I rather, help my sister, with two son, no husband and no work. ... I am so very sad.........

So, I went to his house last Saturday, meet up with my aunt, and request.. not even that, I appeal them to settle the payment. I don't want to jeopordise my career, my future, my children future...

Yesterday, Monday, my uncle, my hubby and I went to the HQ, to meet the credit officer, and discuss about the matter. He personally promised the officer, to settle the payment in two consecutive months. I can only pray to Allah, please allow him to pay the loan. Then allow him to pay me... I hope I can clear my name from the Bank Negara list... Well, let see around next week, whether or not, he fulfill his promises.....
To me, points to learn.... say NO to any thing to do with loans.....especially when it involves with relatives and involve with your NAME. If it is only to borrow certain amount of cash, that is tolerable... but to use your name as guarantor or as what I mentioned earlier... better say NO.....

Nonetheless, I am happy that, I manage to control my anger, my sadness, I came in peace to see them. I manage to save the relationship ... and hopefully save my money and my name.......
so.. between money and relatives.. to me both are important....

Doughnut oh doughnut...

Doughnut...
Do you think it is easy to make doughnut? tell me about it... well to me it' s not about making a perfect doughnut but the time I shared with my kids making doughnut together... it's so interesting. I should have started this session with them long time ago. However, I did not find the time to share this things with them... the best part is when seeing them enjoying eating the doughnut they personally made themselves...Interesting... I love them so much.

Afrin & wafiq..enjoying their doughnuts

Promise..promise.. promise...

Today I promised my kiddos to take them to swimming at UiTM.. unfortunately, the weather is not good... I figure out what excuses to give to the kids... but, then I realise, giving excuses is not the 'right' way to escape from the guilt. One thing I realise, this kids, the tend to do what we do... seriously.. I mean, lately, my little daughter, started to repeat what I say, sometimes, she 'practising' the phrases to her friends and her brother.. same goes to my son, he started to scold his little sister, the way I scold him... so what should I do now? I think... I need to learn from them. I need to be a little patience... which is very difficult to do...at this point of time, where all of the segments in my brain are filled with stuffs like, 'what experiment to do tomorrow, why is my results not good, why my fabricator did this mistake, when to go to US?, who to go with, where should i leave the kids while I am away?' or things like ' what to cook?, what to wear? what my husband wants to wear tomorrow?, what my kids want to wear tomorrow?, what they want to do tomorrow?'.... and no space for 'the most precious time with them'.. pity them huh?... these are the things that I really need to change... slowly redirect my focus to my kids.. without jeopardising my studies.. or is it the other way round? so... I think I need to get home now and spend more time with them especially, when I am a bit free since I have declaring off day for the day..... On a second thoughts, I bring them to Acuatic Center this evening.....

Wish me luck with the parenting session...

My precious childeren, Raja Adam Wafiq, Raja Afrin Zulaikha.... I love you so much..

So long time ago...

Mmmm, it has been quite some times since my last post.... what to share? well today, I declare my self 'off day' for 2 days.. since last friday, since I had submitted my very first paper from my research work... Well people might say, 'what a big deal? you have just produced 1 paper, others have produced more...'. well if you were in my situation, whereby, you haven't got a chance to producing an academic paper during your working hours, furthermore, the fact that you are beginner in this area, being able to produce one of course it is a big deal.. further, it is an international paper, and of specific conference pertaining to your research area.
Well, frankly speaking, I would just ignore those 'non-motivating' words that I hear quite lately... and supprisingly, I can manage to ignore them, not like before, I simply get irritated with those remarks....

so today, i just came to the office, check some emails, do bit of lab analysis, then.. off i go for my swimming session.. mmm mm

so.. till then...